The Horrors on Lavender Brown's List
by febitoria
Summary: In which Lavender and Harry are dating, Lavender choses a nickname for him, and Harry goes into a comalike state. HPLB.
1. The List

**Author's Note:** Okay. So in Spanish, I was letting my brain wonder with another girl who has an account on Fan fiction and I happened to be exploring the idea of what Lavender would call Harry if they had dated.

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Lavender was sitting in Transfiguration, not paying attention AGAIN. Sucking on a sugar quill, she dipped it into some chocolate ink and started to write the list she had been pondering on for a total of 23.63 minutes, the amount of time she and Harry Potter had been an item! "Hummm..." She glanced behind her to smile dreamily back at him, waiting for him to smile back. He grinned back widely, waving as Won Won _I mean Ron! _looked at him in discust. She turned back to her parchment, scratching down a title:

_Nicknames for My Harry_

5. _Hun-Hun_ (why not go with the classic Honey, but play it up a bit so it's more... modern fluff? Perhaps it goes with the whole 'Won Won' phase.)

4. _Barry_ (It rhymes with Harry! And I had this really cute stuffed bear named Beary. It was so soft and _Harry_!)

3. _My Chosen One_ (The 'My' instead of the 'The' makes it all mine! Just like he is.)

2. _Harry-Beary!_ (rhyming is SO awesome!)

1. _My Hairy Potty_ (So I have an obsession with toilet model collecting. So what, Don't you? )

_Aww, perfect and in order. My Hairy Potty it is!_

She drew a heart around number one, folding the paper into a dove shape and muttering an incantation to make it fly back to him. He caught it in his left hand with ease, unfolding it with with eyes still on her. He read the list quickly, his eyes going wide as he reached the end. Ron, glancing over his shoulder, snickered loudy, and McGonagal snatched the paper from them.

Her eyes darted back and forth, and her face went red toward the bottom. "Oh... well, er, Potter, I hope you and miss Brown are happy..." She walked away quickly, trying to cover giggle. Lavender, taking no notice, looked back at Harry, who seemed to have gone into a coma, his head landing with a _thump_ on the desk.

Lavender hurumphed, settling in her chair. _Fine then! We're over Harry Potter!_

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**Author's Note:** Yes, it is creepy. That's why it's in the horror/humor section. 


	2. Fun Facts and Disclaimer

**Author's Note: **I had a lot of fun with this one-shot! Next up: Ron's version of the incident.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of it, except the basic plot. Please do not think I mean any copyright infringement! Thank you.

**Fun Fact:** Prince Charles has an antique toilet collection. I think Lavender is a fan, but antique toilets cost a lot, and full sized toilets can't be lugged around in a school trunk. It's just not possible without a shrinking charm!


	3. The Dare

**Author's Note:** I had so much fun with the first chapter...

* * *

**RON'S POV:**

I figure you have to be barking mad to take up any dare from Seamus.

Especially if that dare happens to be dating Lavender.

Unfortunately Harry didn't seem to have much a choice, considering the other options were Moaning Myrtle and Millicent Bulstrode. Lavender seems like a beautiful (and sane) alternative compared with those two.

So, we were up in the dormitories again, after sneaking down to the kitchens for food, and none of us could sleep after the day before (would you be able to sleep if you had engorged on thirty-two chocolate frogs and an entire box of Every flavor Beans? I didn't think so), so naturally we did the manly thing: daring each other into excruciating situations. I had just completed the dare of (shiver) kissing Pansy Parkinson, when it was Harry's turn. Harry had already declined kissing Hermione, and as a result, the fury of the others was unleashed on him. I swore, it had to be ten times worse than Voldemort. It was ferocious.

"Harry, I have a choice for you," Seamus began, opening the dare with a few overly polite words in his Scottish accent, "Since you failed your last dare, we deem it worthy that you will receive a punishment!" The others clapped, cheering wildly. Harry looked a bit sick to the stomach, a sickly mixture of purple and green. "You must date Lavender Brown," Harry visibly tensed, "Moaning Myrtle," if he didn't look sick before, he looked like he was about to die now, "OR Millicent Bulstrode. If you decline yet again, be wary, for we have the power to come up with something even more humiliating in the future." Harry fell off his chair, looking almost relieved now it was over. Seamus and Dean shook hands, grinning widely.

"Er... I er... I think I'll ask Lavender then..." He stood, sitting back on his chair as they moved on to the next victim, Neville. The poor bloke.

* * *

I stayed around the corner to spy, pushing Harry on toward Lavender. The boy was red now, fidgeting extravagantly under the pressure. I think Lavender took this as a different type of butterflies, and flung her arms around him, kissing him. He turned as white as...

Nearly Headless Nick passed by.

…A GHOST!

* * *

A few minutes later in Transfiguration, Harry was acting almost like he _was_ dating her. She looked back, giggling and batting her eyelashes, and he waved back, grinning. She started scribbling on a piece of parchment, chortling every other second. It was truly horrendous. She made it fly back to them like some stupid little bird, and Harry snatched it. He turned white again, gulping loudly. I, out of honest curiosity, looked over his shoulder.

_Nicknames for My Harry_

5. _Hun-Hun_ (why not go with the classic Honey, but play it up a bit so it's more... modern fluff? Perhaps it goes with the whole 'Won Won' phase.)

4. _Barry_ (It rhymes with Harry! And I had this really cute stuffed bear named Beary. It was so soft and _Harry_!)

3. _My Chosen One_ (The 'My' instead of the 'The' makes it all mine! Just like he is.)

2. _Harry-Beary!_ (Rhyming is SO awesome!)

1. _My Hairy Potty_ (So I have an obsession with toilet model collecting. So what, don't you? )

_Aww, perfect and in order. My Hairy Potty it is!_

Merlin's baggy Y fronts. I snorted, and a bony hand grabbed it from our hands.

Poor Professor McGonagal scanned the page, turning almost as red as Harry had been earlier. "Oh... well, er, Potter, I hope you and miss Brown are happy..." Harry looked stunned, and, as Lavender turned to flirt with him, his head collided with a sharp _bang!_ on the desk. I examined him quickly, concluding he must have died. Lavender looked haughtily back at him, looking like she would kill him later.

Snickering, I decided to irritate her for the rest of the class.

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**A/N:** Reviews only take a few seconds, so just push that little button to the left, please. I really do love reviews, and it would make my day.


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